Standing on the Overpass

I stopped using for a time - moved to Phoenix and got about 6 months of recovery under my belt. I even got a little sane for a while.

It didn't last and I came back, back to the streets, back to using, back to trying to find a little oblivion.

But something happened to me after that little bit of clean time. I found that dope didn't work the way it did before. I couldn't count on the distance from the world that I craved. I started doing more at a time, hoping that the dope was just not as good as it used to be and that somehow I could get back to that place of detachedness where the pain was held at bay long enough for me to just exist for a little while in a bubble of blessed relief.

Not happening, no longer could I count on hours and hours of wandering in a fog of forgetfulness.

One night I was walking up from the marina, going back up to the park for breakfast. This one overpass over the freeway is a long slow rise high up in the air. There's a sidewalk for pedestrians, but no barrier. Just a low guide rail that doesn't even come up to your knees.

It was almost dawn - the sky in the east was light, but the sun was not up yet and I walked up onto that overpass on my way to another day. I reached the highest point and looked down at all the cars speeding past. So many people on their way to something.

I stood there with the sounds of traffic and the bay's waves and thought about how easy it would be to turn my back to the guide rail and just let go. How simple it sounded to stop fighting, to stop trying, to stop feeling, to just stop being. I wouldn't have to jump, simply relax one last time and let the wind carry me over.

It sounded so easy. So desirable. So do-able.

I thought it through and then I realized that in order to follow that to the conclusion of the act - my body would have to hit someone's car. Then I thought about how thoroughly it would f--k up someone's day (week, year) to have a woman's body come hurtling thru the air and land on your car while you were driving to work. Man, that would be so bad.

So I walked down off the overpass and resolved to not use that route any more.