You and I were at a perfect moment in time. Great jobs, good house, good relationship... What about that set up threatened me so much that I had to destroy it.
I believe that I destroyed my life in order to burn away my ability to bury the hidden stuff. I existed on the surface of who I am, without ever having to look at the core.
When I started using, I realized that I had found what I had been looking for all my life. This made it possible for me to not care about feeling alone inside my skin. that feeling that I had all my life about not belonging, not being a part of anything, not being accepted and wanting so desperately to be - this took that feeling of wanting to be, away. I didn't care anymore. The world could shut me out and I was fine.
I lost the house and my job in less than 9 months and spent the next 8 years living in People's Park or down at the Marina. Sleeping on the sidewalk, sometimes in the crawl spaces under frat houses, sometime on church steps - any where the cops won't run you off and the rain won't get you. I didn't care.
My world was very narrow - getting and using, finding a safe dry place to sleep (when I slept at all) and what church was serving food that day -not necessarily in that order.
Remember L. T.? I would have to say that she saved my life. L. attempted to rescue me a couple of times. I had cut M out of the majority of my life and was living in the park where L found me one day. She had been looking for me for a few years. She took me home and dragged my sorry ass to an AA meeting and then some NA meetings. She offered me a place to stay and a loving heart. I wasn't ready to hear it at the time and came and went a couple of times with her.
She sent me down her to my mom's for the birth of my first grandchild with an engagement ring on my finger - wanting me to come home to her. She showed me that someone was capable of loving me regardless of what I had done or who I had become. That was the most important first step. And my exposure to NA served me well, when I finally decided that I might want to live another way I knew where to go for help.
After one false start, I finally moved to Phoenix and threw myself into changing my life. Once the self hatred is laid on the table and pulled apart for examination - healing and growth can begin. Part of the self hatred was due to my destruction of my relationship with you. I can see now that I have done that all my life up to then - either I get involved with someone completely unsuitable (K, R, M) or I sabotage the relationship if it's working (you, B, etc)
In NA, and with the love of my sisters, I have examined the character defects and lies that drive my self destruction and have come to realize and actually internalize that I am loved and capable of loving without having to ruin it.
This turned into a novel - whew. What I am trying to say in all of this is that I am sorry I hurt you and I also believe that everything happens the way it does for a reason. I would not be the woman I am today if any of those things had happened differently.
I am loved by a wonderful woman who treats me like the goddess that I am. I have my son back in my life after 20 years of estrangement. I have the most amazing job where I am considered the expert in my field. (you gotta know I like that!) and I am surrounded daily by family and friends who amaze me with their capacity to love and be loved.
We have 10 - 20 people over for Sunday night dinner every week and our house is the place that everybody congregates to. I have more than I ever dreamed possible and life is very very good. And I am content - a bone deep contentment - no restlessness, no small voice inside trying to ruin it, no wondering what is next.
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