The last visit

Before I started using I was something of a gad about. I took many lovers and inevitably hurt some.

There was one who loved me more than I was capable of accepting at the time. I pushed her away, but we remained friends thru the hurt.

After I started using, especially when the descent became steep, I isolated myself from all those I had known "Before". It was easier to accept what I was making of my life if I did not have to compare it to what my life had been.

Isolation is a great friend to addiction.

I spent a lot of time riding my bike around. Usually I had a destination in mind, but taking the long way and stopping anywhere that drew my attention was my usual way.

I don't remember how I noticed, but one day I realized that the lover I had hurt lived in the building I had stopped at. Her name is pretty distinctive - there could not be two of them.

I must have been having an ok esteem day, I rang the doorbell.

She answered - we had not seen each other in perhaps 6 years or so. She invited me in and fixed me something to eat. We sat and talked and I asked her if she wanted to go for a bike ride.

We rode down by the railroad tracks and then to the marina. We sat in the sand and picked up beach glass - I am sure that we talked and talked but cannot remember what we said.

Afterwards, back at her apartment, I fell asleep on her couch for a while, then got up and left.

I didn't ever stop by there again.

About 10 years into my recovery, I placed a personal ad looking for her and we re-connected. We talked of that day and she said that she felt that I had stopped by to say goodbye. She felt that I would die soon and wanted to see her one last time.

We are in contact often now and I treasure her friendship. It's hard to hold on to feelings thru pain, abandonment, self destruction and re-building - but we know that the connection between us is worth the work.